Category: Movies


High-Rise

Can I get a “HOT DAMN!”? Seriously, throw out a good, hearty hot damn for some nude-y Hiddleston. That ought to make a sour day turn sweet, and if it doesn’t you must be blind or dead.

In all seriousness, I really can’t wait to see this movie. I’m digging the production design and it looks like it has some good cinematography. I almost got too excited to see that a woman shot the film until I looked up Laurie Rose and discovered, nope, got a dick. Oh well!

If you are unfamiliar, High Rise is about Robert Laing, a doctor who moves into a high-level floor in a high rise building where the floor you live on apparently dictates your class. Shit starts to go down and Jeremy Irons is probably the bad guy. Either way, Tom Hiddleston is mostly naked and at one point is covered in blue paint. He may or may not be naked at that point, but either way, I’m sure we can all stand to watch it. Peep the trailer below!

 

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‘Pandemic’

Have you been dying for a movie that melds both the style of Blair Witch with the budget of more than Blair Witch that also includes ZOMBIES?! Because there is this thing now. You really don’t need any information to tell you what is going on or will go on in this movie, the title says it all. There was a pandemic (we can assume the world over, but it’s probably just L.A.) and now people are hanging from cranes (ok) and some rag-tag group of United Colors of Benetton have come together to find the survivors and bring.them.home!

Of course, it isn’t that simple. There is screaming, yelling, shooting, dying, night vision, weird monsters with long skinny legs that were probably people before, Missi Pyle; oh so many things in this pandemic zombie world to get through to find those survivors. There will also be sequels.

‘I, Frankenstein’

Oh good, it’s Underworld only with Frankensteins and gargoyles(?). Good to know the producers decided to branch out and take two other monster creatures and make them into ridiculous parodies. Will it spark a round of everything being gargoyles and Frankensteins? Will we soon have Gargoyle U? Frankenstein Academy? Patchwork Gigolo? He Who Burns the Monster? The orange and blue gods say, “GOOD LORD, I HOPE NOT!”

Also, Bill Nighy. Is he playing the same character as in Underworld? Because if he isn’t, someone should tell him he is generally awesome and sadly this is the same character as in Underworld.

All previous names for movie/TV show ideas are mine, Hollywood. I know they sound amazing and all, but MINE!

‘The Spectacular Now’

It’s refreshing to see a movie that isn’t stuffed full of giant, famous stars. Also, that girl is adorable.

“In a world where contrasting colors rule the planet. Where it started snowing and never stopped. Where Pandorum was ripped off and set in the Arctic wasteland that is the new Earth. Where the entire movie is shown in the trailer is brilliant blues, greens, reds and oranges…C-O-L-O-N-Y!”

If you note, this trailer says ‘This April’…we all know what that means. It never came out in April and was pushed back…you do the math.

‘The Num-8-ers Station’

Guns! Explosions! Num8ers!

Guns! Explosions! Num8ers!

I haven’t even watched the trailer yet, so let me guess what The Num-8-ers Station is all about based solely on the poster and the stupid name. John Cusack holds a gun up to his face. The gun appears to be held by tiny little dis-embodied hands as he peers around a corner with a look of annoyance at the explosion happening in the distance. Why are you so annoyed, tiny-handed Cusack? It’s clear that he means to shoot-to-kill that explosion! Malin Ã…kerman also stands by something, a tree maybe, with a look of boredom. Also, half her face has been too Photoshopped and she looks weird because of it. She clearly isn’t planning to shoot any explosions on account of her not having tiny hands holding her gun to her face. If you notice, there are also numbers, or num8ers, floating around the bottom left of the poster. What does this mean? Did the numbers cause the explosion? Are these the same entities that Cusack wants to shoot with his gun-laden tiny, dis-embodied hands? Is the tagline supposed to be all wobbly? Is that something that was done on purpose? Did the num8ers, or the explosion caused by the num8ers, cause the wobbly look of the lett8rs? Will we ever know why the num8ers caused the explosion that caused the code to be compromised? I suppose we’ll find out come April 26th when this marvel of cinematic artistry comes out in all it’s blue & orange glory!

Now I’ll actually watch the trailer and see how accurate I was about the num8ers causing explosions that tiny-handed Cusack must stop!

Yep, looks about as stupid as I thought. Although they did use not only the orange and blue but also the lesser used, but equally complimentary, color schemes of red and green! There’s no end to what the num8ers will go to get a list of men killed that will make the “world a different place when you wake up” if it goes out.

Damn num8ers!

I'M ALL TRIPPED OUT ON COLOR BARZZZZZ!

I’M ALL TRIPPED OUT ON COLOR BARZZZZZ!

This movie looks awesome, and I like that they don’t really tell you anything about it. But…I did read the synopsis, so apparently McAvoy plays a dude who helped steal some painting and then at some point gets hit on the head Chaz-style (Charles In Charge reference) and doesn’t remember who he is, yet he has to deal with the men who are looking for it, as they torture him. It looks trippy as hell and also pretty sweet.

The below trailer is kinda uckky in some places, so…just beware of that!

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What do I say? I hate blue and orange and I dislike Tom Cruise in real life (sorry Tom, you’re kinda weird), but I do enjoy his movies. I actually think this looks really good, even if it turns out all I like is the cinematography, which might happen. I’m also a sucker for post-apocalyptic wastelands and whatever, so I’ll watch this, no doubt.

We basically all know the story that will play out in this movie: Aliens came and humans won, but they all evacuated and a man stays on Earth to clean it up while his lady-partner is in space. In time, they will finish their mission, leave and join the others in space or wherever they went until he meets other humans left on Earth who tell him the company he works for lied and it’s all a sham. Then he fights against them and his own demons and saves the planet. Also, Morgan Freeman is here.

Thank god they didn’t give it a cheesy sub-title after the 2. Like, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2: Spaghetti Bolognese, for example. Not surprisingly, this is the exact same movie as the last one, but now they are saving the world/big city. Whatever, I don’t care, did you check out that strawberry? Look at him!

BARF! I want to lick it!

BARF! I want to lick it!

So I will suffer the same movie and stuff for cute little vegetable animals and what-not. Also, I really quite enjoyed the first one.

Here’s the trailer to sniff out!

The flame is the 'i'...how clever!

The flame is the ‘i’…how clever!

It’s nice to see Lily Taylor in something again, too bad she’s going to be killed by that clapping ghost-thing she “conjured” up in the closet. Oh when will people learn to not go around playing Hide ‘n’ Seek in old farmhouses? You know what’s going to happen, you’re going to conjure up a clapping ghost and that bitch is going to clap in your ears so loudly that you’ll be deaf! Or she’ll push you down the stairs.

This movie was reportedly given “overwhelmingly positive reviews by test audiences” so in an act you rarely see it was moved from the doldrums of movieland (January) and pushed back to July (prime summer season), which either way you look at it isn’t really the time of year for a horror movie, but whatever! It also apparently stars other people besides Lily Taylor, so she either dies in the beginning, which appears based on the music to take place in the 70’s, or they don’t know how to edit the movie into the trailer without giving it all away. Which they kind of already did in this trailer. Not gonna lie, though, I was kind of freaked out by this. I don’t like things in closets or clapping.