Tag Archive: movie

‘The Colony’

“In a world where contrasting colors rule the planet. Where it started snowing and never stopped. Where Pandorum was ripped off and set in the Arctic wasteland that is the new Earth. Where the entire movie is shown in the trailer is brilliant blues, greens, reds and oranges…C-O-L-O-N-Y!”

If you note, this trailer says ‘This April’…we all know what that means. It never came out in April and was pushed back…you do the math.

‘Oblivion’ trailer 3


What do I say? I hate blue and orange and I dislike Tom Cruise in real life (sorry Tom, you’re kinda weird), but I do enjoy his movies. I actually think this looks really good, even if it turns out all I like is the cinematography, which might happen. I’m also a sucker for post-apocalyptic wastelands and whatever, so I’ll watch this, no doubt.

We basically all know the story that will play out in this movie: Aliens came and humans won, but they all evacuated and a man stays on Earth to clean it up while his lady-partner is in space. In time, they will finish their mission, leave and join the others in space or wherever they went until he meets other humans left on Earth who tell him the company he works for lied and it’s all a sham. Then he fights against them and his own demons and saves the planet. Also, Morgan Freeman is here.

‘Upside Down’ Trailer

Looks like an interesting flick. Not sure how it works with planets that close together, it would seem like they’d be fighting gravity or something. I don’t know. Unless they are both in alternate universes, but it doesn’t seem that way from the trailer. It’s also a bit orange and blue, which as I normally bitch about, I am tired of. Do more color correcting other than making shit blue and orange.

Otherwise, it looks like it was shot very well and might be visually interesting and original, if nothing else.

Oh goody gumdrops! Paul Thomas Anderson wants to make us laugh…intentionally. That ought to be a major fun-fest coming from Johnny Boresville who has delighted us with such fun movies as ‘Religious nut nurtures crazy drunk for 3 hours’ and ‘Wild nut yells about milkshakes’. Now he wants to make us sit through a 6 hour comedy where we want to die at the end; which is the opposite of what comedies should do.

Don’t get me wrong, somewhere in there the guy makes parts of a good film. The cinematography is always good and music choices are solid, but for the love of god, the movies are boring! And now he wants that excitement to come to us in the form of laughing because he made us laugh, not laughing because the movie won’t fucking end!

Check it out here!


Wow! This looks…awful. Is this a comedy? Or, now I see it’s a drama or Fast & the Furious-y movie? Or wait…back to comedy. What the hell? Make up your mind. Either way, basically some dude gets broken out of jail/transport bus by a giant magnet, because cops are stupid and they’d not notice a giant magnetic bulldozer thing hovering near where they are driving past. That’s seems plausible. Oh, and he’s heading for the border and someone has to help him and there are Koreans in a fancy fast car that will inevitably end up being a giant car ad for whatever car it is; a Corvette, or something? Dumb!

The best part is that Ahnahld is in it. I was being sarcastic, it looks horrible and the fact he’s stumbling through English once again in a movie doesn’t really make it a draw. Also, because it looks like shit. That also makes it not a draw.

Here’s the trailer where you can watch some idiots appear to be in a comedy, then a heist/breakout action/drama film, and Ahnahld jump into the comedy again. WHEEEE!

Here’s another stupid trailer where the movie starts out dramatic and shit!

‘The Watch’ Trailer

What is the one man missing from almost every promotional piece for this movie? If you said ‘Richard Ayoade’, you are fucking correct! I love him and I was so happy that he was in this movie. I am not happy that he is barely in promotional items and at least gets mentioned in the trailer. People familiar with his brilliant comedy as Dean Learner on Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place or as Maurice Moss on The IT Crowd are thrilled he is in this wide-released film. By “people”, I of course mean me. Probably just me. I don’t care, I love this guy. He makes me laugh my ass off.

As far as ‘The Watch’ goes, it was originally called ‘Neighborhood Watch’ but that was changed after that guy shot that kid a few months back. I don’t know if they just changed the title or more than that, because before all they showed were guys driving in a car and I think throwing a bottle at someone in a hoodie. Hence the change and halting of playing the teaser. So…now people are being killed and they are finding out they are aliens, or something. I don’t really care, it has Ayoade in it. Damn, if his last name isn’t just awesome to say alone!

Here is the trailer and below that some choice Dean Learner!

‘V/H/S’ Trailer

le Sigh! Every once in awhile Magnet poops out a decent film (Tucker & Dale vs. Evil comes to mind). One that isn’t totally stupid and cheesy. I can’t say this one is one of those hidden gems.

V.H.S. tapes as horror trope? A bunch of people, for some reason I assume is money, go to a house in the middle of nowhere to get a V.H.S. tape. Yes, they go to the middle of nowhere to retrieve a V.H.S. tape. And what’s on that tape? Well, we don’t know, because in this middle-of-nowhere house lies pile upon pile of V.H.S. tapes (something many a user of those tapes knows), none of them are labeled; why would they be? The gang starts watching them and lo-and-behold there are five stories of horror so horrible you’ll be horrified! AIYEEEEEEEE!

The good news is, if you liked [REC], you’ll like V/H/S, because it’s kind of the same thing, fake docu-horror film. I should say, if you liked the U.S. remake of [REC], you’ll probably like this.

‘Battleship’ Trailer 3


Ok…it’s Transformers meets District 9. Aliens in giant robots that smash the entire everything mixed with aliens in robotic suits that are mis-understood by the humans…but they aren’t really mis-understood because they are playing a giant real-life game of Battleship. We’ll call it: BATTLESHIP.

And then someone greenlit this.

I’ve been making fun of this movie for months, and I don’t plan to stop because it’s awful. This coming from someone who absolutely loves Alexander Skarsgård but I just can’t help but not want to set foot in the theatre for this. I swear when I saw this trailer today I heard the line, “Light ’em up with all we’ve got,” because in my head I heard this line, “Light ’em up with all the orange and blue we’ve got!” Clearly, someone listened.

Here’s an interview with Skarsård, just because he’s pretty.


Not gonna lie, you had me at Prohibition & dust storms, but you really had me at Guy Pearce. I’ll pretty much watch anything he is in, including a movie about how to watch paint dry. That said, this looks pretty good even though it’s kind of piggy-backing off the success and popularity of ‘Boardwalk Empire’, which is fine, because that show is awesome.

It’s based (loosely, no doubt) on two brothers who start up a moonshining ring and get in some trouble. Also, Guy Pearce is in it, possibly playing a corrupt fed/regular fed or someone who teaches young Shia LeBeouf to watch paint dry.

Hello moviemaker/SFX/cinematographer wood!

I just saw this on my TV while watching some crap TV and my interest was immediately piqued! Hot damn!

Basically, it’s just Snow White only for some reason Kristen Stewart’s bland-ass was hired to play Snow White. Charlize Theron plays the evil queen who appears to suck the beauty out of people to remain beautiful and Chris Hemsworth is the hot guy huntsman who is sent to find Snow White and bring her to the queen so she can eat her heart, or some shit. Of course, he ends up siding with Snow White.

The important thing is look how awesome it looks! I’m not talking story, I’m talking SFX and cinematography. Look at it!
This crow:


Turns into this many crows:

BLAMO! Bunches of crows. A murder, if you will.

The mirror looks like this:
I mean, come on! The mirror slinked off the wall and turned into this!

This movie is like giant stylistic bliss. If Tarsem Singh hadn’t just directed the last Snow White movie, I’d think this was one of his. YEE-UM!


Bitch wears a cape...

and bitch turns into a murder of fucking crows!

Her little soldiers smash into chunks of coal!


Hmmm...looks like she gets a bit...gummy?