Category: Uncategorized


Well, it’s Halloween time again and you know what that means! Bad “horror” movies, specifically bad “fake documentary” horror movies a-la Paranormal Activity and all that other shit just like that series. This time we are treated to ‘The Houses October Built’, a droll turd of a horror film about a group of film-makers out to find the scariest haunted house.

I’m not sure how the plot flows in the real movie opposed to how it plays out in the trailer, probably equally awful. The trailer makes it look like they find some little girl wearing a mask who then comes on the bus and starts moan-screaming at them and THEN they get an invitation to a party out in the bayou. Then someone with the camera stumbles down an alley and gets attacked by more people in similar masks, which we see when, of course, the camera drops to the ground. At one point we are also treated to a bunch of bodies from the neck down in headlights, presumably more of these masked people that are, if not zombies, then mutated hill-folk because really, what other option is there for them? They are in the Louisiana bayou, therefore it must be mutated, not hill folk, but swamp folk.

I understand that there isn’t much thought put into these movies as the common idiot will spend their money on bad horror films no matter what is going on, but maybe the common idiot needs to stop spending their money on these movies so they stop making them. This is any different than The Hills Have Eyes or any other movie except it’s in Louisiana and people are wearing masks. They’ve mined all the bad horror movies and put various aspects yet combined into this…

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What can you say about fall television besides there are some gems and many, many, MANY turds. Manhattan Love Story is one of those turds. I am currently watching this show and couldn’t help myself but write about how terrible it is.

The show opens with a man walking around the streets of Manhattan staring and mentally commenting on every woman’s chest and ass and whether he will do her or not. Classy, really, and not at all every stereotype of every man in every TV show ever. But wait, there’s a female walking stereotype in this mess of a show too. She is walking around commenting on every purse and show she sees, because every woman thinks only of shoes and purses. The show lost me right in this opening segment.

So Susie (I don’t care what her name is and I don’t even remember hearing it) is new to New York, she’s a wide-eyed dreamer who moved across the country to fulfill her dream of working in New York (which, is what every woman dreams of as well, apparently) and she gets a job at an advertising agency (?) or something where the previous higher-level employee just got fired. Naturally everyone hates her so one of the co-workers tells her to take the stairs to save energy. Hilarity doesn’t ensue. She is also a moron in regards to electronics. For example, while on the train she posts the guys name on FB and can’t figure out how to remove it. Later she tries to text the guy in reply to his text and instead calls him, because women can’t work electronics obviously!

What kills me is that the characters aren’t interesting at all and have no chemistry. I don’t care if they are going to get together, whether she is accepted at work, whether her bucket list (which she shows the guy on their date) is completed. I think it should just be cancelled. Thanks!

Yay! There is finally something to watch on TV this fall season. Sadly, it’s on FOX and it will probably be cancelled because it isn’t a crappy reality show, but I can enjoy it until that day comes. It has been a long time since FOX had a good sci-fi show on their network; I don’t count Fringe because I fell behind in the seasons and FOX gave up on it and put it on ‘Deathwatch Friday’.

To those of you who haven’t heard about ‘Almost Human’, let me tell you what this show is about. It’s ok if you’ve never heard about it because as FOX is FOX, they decided to push the premiere back several weeks, throw it on after football, which could have been disastrous for a show’s premiere as over-time bullshit tends to creep over into the 8 o’clock hour, it’s kind of what killed Futurama. The other reason is that it was on FOX. Anyway, I digress. What the hell is ‘Almost Human’ about?

Set 35 years from now in a future Los Angeles where human cops are paired with life-like android, Almost Human follows John Kennex, a human cop who is nearly fatally injured during a shootout where his android partner leaves him and a fellow human cop because he can better help others. Kennex is knocked out and when he awakens he is haunted by memories of his ex-girlfriend, which we see in a flashback and in a short video message that he has been saving for a long time, apparently she disappeared at some point. Kennex’s boss, played by Lily Taylor, finally cons him into coming back to work and he finds out that there was some kind of robbery that they need his help to solve. He gets paired with a certain android that is void of emotion and ends up pushing him out of the car, only to be paired with an android named Dorian. Dorian is a model of android that was dis-continued because it was had too much feeling. John learns something interesting during a procedure to try to remember the accident that leaves him realizing why someone special to him is no longer in his life, which sets up what I assume will be a series-long storyline.

I don’t want to tell all about what happens in the show because that’s no fun, but besides what I already mentioned I really appreciated that the android partner isn’t a sexy, beautiful, woman and is instead another man, albeit a good-looking one. I also appreciated that they didn’t, yet, blatantly throw automobile product placement down our throats. The vehicles are obviously Ford and Audi, among others, but their logos were covered and I appreciate that.

Being as I haven’t found one show this season that I’ve had to watch (close with Sleepy Hollow, which I am behind on) or wanted to watch, I would like to keep watching this. I love human-like robot series and movies, so this kind of hit the mark so far with me.

‘Pacific Rim’

“Alright, Guillermo. We like you, you’ve done solid, quality work with both movies in the past. What we need is a movie that has the following: blue and orange, ridiculously stupid robots (you can reference Real Steel, Transformers, Battleship…whatever dumb movie you want), Japan, aliens. Can you make this happen?” – Executive

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…remember Cronos, and Pan’s Labyrinth? Remember how they were good and made you respectable? Forget all that and become…Ratnerized!” – Other Executive.

And for some reason Guillermo, one of my favorite directors, let this movie be made with his name on it. Granted he also produced ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ and even Guy Pearce couldn’t make that movie watchable!

So, enjoy what is a strange mash of Japanese Godzilla-like movie, Transformers, Cloverfield, Real Steel and Battleship. Or don’t enjoy it after realizing what it mashes together.

Oh goody gumdrops! Paul Thomas Anderson wants to make us laugh…intentionally. That ought to be a major fun-fest coming from Johnny Boresville who has delighted us with such fun movies as ‘Religious nut nurtures crazy drunk for 3 hours’ and ‘Wild nut yells about milkshakes’. Now he wants to make us sit through a 6 hour comedy where we want to die at the end; which is the opposite of what comedies should do.

Don’t get me wrong, somewhere in there the guy makes parts of a good film. The cinematography is always good and music choices are solid, but for the love of god, the movies are boring! And now he wants that excitement to come to us in the form of laughing because he made us laugh, not laughing because the movie won’t fucking end!

Check it out here!

http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2012/11/paul-thomas-anderson-would-like-to-make.php

Wow! This looks…awful. Is this a comedy? Or, now I see it’s a drama or Fast & the Furious-y movie? Or wait…back to comedy. What the hell? Make up your mind. Either way, basically some dude gets broken out of jail/transport bus by a giant magnet, because cops are stupid and they’d not notice a giant magnetic bulldozer thing hovering near where they are driving past. That’s seems plausible. Oh, and he’s heading for the border and someone has to help him and there are Koreans in a fancy fast car that will inevitably end up being a giant car ad for whatever car it is; a Corvette, or something? Dumb!

The best part is that Ahnahld is in it. I was being sarcastic, it looks horrible and the fact he’s stumbling through English once again in a movie doesn’t really make it a draw. Also, because it looks like shit. That also makes it not a draw.

Here’s the trailer where you can watch some idiots appear to be in a comedy, then a heist/breakout action/drama film, and Ahnahld jump into the comedy again. WHEEEE!

Here’s another stupid trailer where the movie starts out dramatic and shit!

‘Pusher’ Trailer

Why? Why do you need a remake of this? I’ve heard great things about the original from 1996, however, it isn’t available in Netflix which is annoying! It is not news to anyone who knows me that I don’t like remakes, like music

Anyway, at least this English version is British, but g’ah!

A.) Hal Holbrook.

Why would Timmy want to hurt this town with the fracking? He was a young bloke from a town just like this one; a town orange and blue and full of farms, where farmers lived and farmed and everyone knew the farms. Where pretty ladies flirted with you at the bar only to be involved with Jim Halpert, so why would Timmy want to hurt this town?

The answer is: money. Timmy wants money.

I thought I’d start off, after a long hiatus, with something really bad. This is a charming horrible romantic comedy drama disaster of a movie called ‘You May Not Kiss the Bride’ and seems to be about many, many things. So many things that I don’t really know how many movies have been ripped off to make this. Count them in the trailer and let me know.

The whole premise is really…stupid. As far as I can guess, Billy somehow pisses off a mob boss, who is Croatian of course, and then he has to marry but not marry the mob guys daughter, in Hawaii. In Hawaii he meets Rob Schneider the supposed comic relief(?) and then the mob daughter get kidnapped (because, why not?) and Billy has to rescue her. Of course, they fall in love in the process.

What’s so bad about this tripe is that not only will people go see it, but they’ll make another movie just like it. Just from the trailer you can tell that the two leads have no chemistry, and if they have no chemistry right from the trailer, what hope does the movie have?

Ai-yi-yi!

Ooooooooooh, I’m SO excited about this movie. I don’t even care if some of these trailers/spots may be a tad spoiler-ish. It’s Ridley-fucking-Scott back with the sci-fi. Also, it looks awesome and is full of awesome actors, none of which I want to punch in the face.

Enjoy some screenshots from this newer TV Spot.

“We call them ‘engineers'” Oh, do you now? You gave them a name. Goodie.

The following lines were about them engineering us. I bet they didn’t. I bet this whole go-to-a-distant-planet-to-find-our-makers thing is going to turn out badly. Very, very badly.

What. the.

Fuck.is.that?

Yipes! What is that? Is that the guy who gets the helmet melted off his face? I bet it is! Or something. Yowza-mowza!
It also looks like one of the Space Jockeys is getting his ass killed, which is probably good for Noomi because this probably goes right before it:

I won’t lie, I can’t wait to see this movie and I actually want to see it in 3D, which I NEVER want to do. Plus, it comes out two days after my 32nd birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!