I had to check some trailers today and lucky for me 90% of them were awful; and I got to see them several times! I’m the luckiest bitch in the country.

Here are all the delicious treats I got to enjoy today with stupid commentary:

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

You have all the pre-requisites of an American action movie. Explosions, all the time. Abundance of orange and blue because no one needs to be able to actually color their films with anything BUT orange and blue. Bad actors, pumped up to extremes with whey protein, barely able to choke out the horrible writing. A fight sequence where both sides, hanging from climbing gear, jump around and sword fight (yes, that happens). And…Bruce Willis? Wait. Bruce Willis? Was that really Bruce Willis? Why is Bruce Willis in this movie? I know he’s an action hero, but he’s a generally liked action hero who has also done more than action movies (or in the case of The Rock [he’s still going by that for some stupid reason, right?] more than action movies and kids movies where he wears tights). The fact that he’s in this movie really dips it down. Oh…right, he was in that stupid movie with Tracy Morgan at some point, right? Yuck.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

So this one has a lot of ‘splosions too. And compared to the last/first one, this looks decent. However, it’s still Ghost Rider and it’s still Nic Cage, so that’ll get you the exact result you’ll expect; a crappy Nic Cage movie with ‘splosions. It does have Idris Elba and some other people I quite like, but…Ghost Rider.

I think the storyline is that Ghost Rider has to stop the Devil or some crap from making a kid into something evil, or some shit. Plus…3D! So expect stupid shit flying at your damn face all the time. All.the.fucking.time.

The Hunger Games

Compared to the last series of movies adapted to the screen (think stupid sparkling vampires and constantly shirtless werewolves), this looks Oscar-worthy. Settle down, I didn’t say it was Oscar-worthy, just compared to the last series-adaptation, this looks decent.

Kids are picked by people from a spaceship to train and fight to the death. Guess which two fall in love? If you can’t, you are stupid.

The Devil Inside

Yay, another stupid exorcism film. I haven’t seen one of these since the last one. Just like the last one, this trailer opens with the age-old favorite “This is an actual 911 call” even though we know it is not an actual call. These people clearly are hoping that this will be the next stupid ‘Paranormal Acivity’ and after Googling it, that is exactly what the producers/writers or whoevers think. Please, please do not go see this so they make a thousand sequels like the aforementioned movie.

This movie is basically just like every other fake-documentary-horror film. It looks like the production cost was a few hundred dollars and they had no time to color correct. It’s inhabited by people that can barely act and someone is possessed and flails around on a bed. People scream. And, though this trailer doesn’t share the following, I am sure it’ll appear on a trailer soon enough: ‘Don’t miss the last 15 minutes’

Contraband

Of all these movies listed here, this one has GOT to be the most annoying and horrible trailer I saw today. My god! It’s like every other Marky Mark movie where he runs around with that bewildered look on his face for 120 minutes and the best part is that the trailer feels like it’s the whole two hours. It also takes over half the trailer to get to the damn plot, which is that someone kidnapped Marky Mark’s wife, of course. I don’t think you need to set up that he used to do some kind of contraband shit and went straight and now hugs his wife and has a family but, OH SHIT!, now he is forced to go back to save his wife. This movie probably has the top orange to blue ratio of any movie yet. The people are so orange that even the black people are orange. Terrible.

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