So starts another season of True Blood and having already read all but the most current book, I know some of what’s to come. This season is sure to be a doozy and if this season premiere episode is any indication, that isn’t me just flinging sunshine and rainbows at ya’!

If you’ve never watched the show before, do yourself a favor, watch it. Even if you hate vampires and werewolves. I understand, Twilight sucks…bad. But, True Blood is adult. There’s violence, sex, swearing, Lafayette and a really hot Swede (If you don’t already know, I freaking adore Alexander Skarsgård, a lot, so there will most likely be mention of him many times). That alone is enough to watch the show, but you be the judge. There is no denying this show is over-the-top, sleazy, funny, ridiculous and all around the best television to watch in the summer. For the unfamiliar, True Blood follows Sookie Stackhouse and the rest of the townsfolk in the fictional town of Bon Temps, LA. In this world vampires have “come out of the coffin” and live amongst humans, albeit at night. Sookie meets Bill Compton while working in Merlotte’s, the local bar, and after being attacked by a couple hillbillies, he offers her his blood to heal her thereby bonding them. Along the way she encounters any number of other vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, maenads, messed up townsfolk, etc.

*SPOILERS*

So, what happened in the first episode of season 4? Let’s see:

– This being True Blood and Sookie being completely unable to stay out of trouble at all times, at the end of last season she went off with Claudine, her faerie god-mother, to the faerie realm. This also being True Blood you can assume that this wonderful, dreamy land of beautiful people in beautiful clothes eating beautiful fruit under the beautiful sun, isn’t all that beautiful in the end. And…what do you know? After Sookie meets her grandfather, who hasn’t aged at all in 20 years, and gets almost forced by Maeb (sp?) to eat this lumiere fruit that they’ve been stuffing down the newly arrived humans throats, she blasts Maeb with her light-hands and sees that they are not beautiful people in beautiful clothes in a beautiful realm but in fact, nasty troll-like things that want to seal off the way into the human realm forever and are harvesting humans. Sookie and her grandfather escape but not without sadness because grandfather ate the stupid fruit like a dumbass and dies shortly after arriving back in the normal realm. Why the hell do people just put shit into their faces without thinking first? Come on!

See…that’s what they are.

– Sookie heads her ass home and finds that her house is being painted and fixed up. When she enters, a worker tells her that she can’t enter and he’s gonna call the “po-leese”. Jason soon shows up dressed like a cop and tells Sookie that they’ve been looking for her everywhere and they thought a vampire got her. He tells her the date and she thinks she’s been gone two weeks but appears to have been gone 12 and a half months! Oh, right, remember that grandaddy thought he was gone for just a short time? Apparently in the faerie realms time goes by really slowly.

– Turns out Jason sold Sookie’s house to some real estate company with a bunch of initials. A.I.K. Who owns that? And before Sookie can even get into more trouble, Bill shows up. Sookie is still pissed at him, but, after Andy shows up all withdrawing from V and yells at her Bill steps in and says she was working for him. And everyone seems to just go along with it.

– Oh, and this showed up:

Yep, that showed it's face. And what a face!

Eric shows up and after Bill tells him to go and he eventually listens, confusing Sookie, he tells her that he never gave up on her returning. Her friends, family and even Bill gave up and moved on, but he never did. Interesting.

– Yes! Lafayette. There better be more Lafayette this season, because I was NOT happy with the shortage last year. Anyway, Jesus and Lafayette show up at the witch store where Jesus meets with his coven. They introduce Lafayette to Marnie, the head witch, if you will. Fiona Shaw is the perfect choice for this character. Oh, and she conjures Eddie. The Eddie that Lafayette “dated” to get V, the vampire Eddie. The one Jason’s girlfriend accidentally killed after kidnapping and draining him.

That One

– The funniest part of this episode is when Arlene comes home to find her new baby surrounded by Barbie dolls with their heads pulled off. She assumes it’s because he’s the child of Rene and he was a killer so naturally the kid is evil too. The best thing is that, of all the murderers over the seasons, Rene was the only one who wasn’t supernatural in some way.

– Tara has become a lesbian cage-fighter.

– Jessica and Hoight moved in together and start fighting. Jessica is having issues with living with a human and not doing vampire thingies!

– The American Vampire League has to clean up after Russell Edgington’s debacle with ripping that dudes heart out on television. So, Pam is doing her part for Fangtasia by filming a spot, but as Pam is apt to do she is doing a shitty job. Until Eric walks his sexy ass in the door and films it instead. At the same time Bill is doing a little speech at the dedication to the senior citizens home named after his long dead wife.

– Again, Tara is now a cage-fighting lesbian with an Asian girlfriend. I do wonder where this storyline is heading because, meh. And her name is Toni.

– Much like I didn’t trust Eggs (and wanted him dead immediately), I don’t trust Jesus. At all. His showing up and pushing Lafayette into the witch coven is just really off. And then Andy shows up all, “Gimme V! Gimme V!” like some kind of crazy junkie, which he has apparently turned into. Doesn’t he remember when Jason took that whole vial?

– Tommy has been hanging around Maxine Fortenberry and mooching off Sam, since Sam shot him in the leg. Tommy is annoying.

– Tara. lesbian. boobs.

– Sam has made friends and they are all shifters and Jason has been taking care of all the white trash in Hotshot since Crystal ran off with her brother/cousin/husband. Ew. The little white trash throw him into the freezer. Ut-oh.

– Oh the witches are trying their hand at necromancy and perform a ritual to raise a dead bird back to life. Lafayette refuses to participate and when the ritual doesn’t work, Marnie yells at him to join, which he does and the bird flies around before dying when it flies out of the circle. Clearly, our dear Marnie has some other motives going on.

Yeah lady, I'd have the same expression if a bird came back to life.

– Whoops, one of the witches is a plant. Katerina Pelham, the one with the glasses, is working for Bill who is the new King. Oh, and he’s also banging and feeding on her. Sookie ought to love this.

– Oh look! Eric is in Sookie’s house. Looks like he bought the house and as he says, if he owned the house, he’d own her. Not sure she’s going to see it like that, but it’s more Skarsgård, so I’m down.

I wouldn't mind that in my room...just saying.

So, what have we learned? A lot. Sookie is alive, but still hurt. Bill is the King. Sam is still a jerk. Hoyt and Jessica have problems. Eric “owns” Sookie, or at least her house. Lafayette is dating a witch who is getting him in with Necromancers. Tara = lesbian cage-fighter (look, I like Rutina Wesley and I like her character pre-season 3, but got-damn she needs to change or go away because she is annoying as fuck). Andy is a V addict. Jason is a cop/hillbilly babysitter. I feel like I’m missing someone, but whatever.

I also watched the second episode that was offered on HBOGO. I really like this service and couldn’t resist what I should have resisted. I watched the second episode and it was awesome! I am going to try not to write about it until next Monday, but since I wrote this one so long the one person that reads this might still be reading it next week.

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