‘The Num-8-ers Station’

Guns! Explosions! Num8ers!

I haven’t even watched the trailer yet, so let me guess what The Num-8-ers Station is all about based solely on the poster and the stupid name. John Cusack holds a gun up to his face. The gun appears to be held by tiny little dis-embodied hands as he peers around a corner with a look of annoyance at the explosion happening in the distance. Why are you so annoyed, tiny-handed Cusack? It’s clear that he means to shoot-to-kill that explosion! Malin Åkerman also stands by something, a tree maybe, with a look of boredom. Also, half her face has been too Photoshopped and she looks weird because of it. She clearly isn’t planning to shoot any explosions on account of her not having tiny hands holding her gun to her face. If you notice, there are also numbers, or num8ers, floating around the bottom left of the poster. What does this mean? Did the numbers cause the explosion? Are these the same entities that Cusack wants to shoot with his gun-laden tiny, dis-embodied hands? Is the tagline supposed to be all wobbly? Is that something that was done on purpose? Did the num8ers, or the explosion caused by the num8ers, cause the wobbly look of the lett8rs? Will we ever know why the num8ers caused the explosion that caused the code to be compromised? I suppose we’ll find out come April 26th when this marvel of cinematic artistry comes out in all it’s blue & orange glory!

Now I’ll actually watch the trailer and see how accurate I was about the num8ers causing explosions that tiny-handed Cusack must stop!

Yep, looks about as stupid as I thought. Although they did use not only the orange and blue but also the lesser used, but equally complimentary, color schemes of red and green! There’s no end to what the num8ers will go to get a list of men killed that will make the “world a different place when you wake up” if it goes out.

Damn num8ers!

‘Trance’

I’M ALL TRIPPED OUT ON COLOR BARZZZZZ!

This movie looks awesome, and I like that they don’t really tell you anything about it. But…I did read the synopsis, so apparently McAvoy plays a dude who helped steal some painting and then at some point gets hit on the head Chaz-style (Charles In Charge reference) and doesn’t remember who he is, yet he has to deal with the men who are looking for it, as they torture him. It looks trippy as hell and also pretty sweet.

The below trailer is kinda uckky in some places, so…just beware of that!

‘Oblivion’ trailer 3

What do I say? I hate blue and orange and I dislike Tom Cruise in real life (sorry Tom, you’re kinda weird), but I do enjoy his movies. I actually think this looks really good, even if it turns out all I like is the cinematography, which might happen. I’m also a sucker for post-apocalyptic wastelands and whatever, so I’ll watch this, no doubt.

We basically all know the story that will play out in this movie: Aliens came and humans won, but they all evacuated and a man stays on Earth to clean it up while his lady-partner is in space. In time, they will finish their mission, leave and join the others in space or wherever they went until he meets other humans left on Earth who tell him the company he works for lied and it’s all a sham. Then he fights against them and his own demons and saves the planet. Also, Morgan Freeman is here.

‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2′

Thank god they didn’t give it a cheesy sub-title after the 2. Like, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2: Spaghetti Bolognese, for example. Not surprisingly, this is the exact same movie as the last one, but now they are saving the world/big city. Whatever, I don’t care, did you check out that strawberry? Look at him!

BARF! I want to lick it!

So I will suffer the same movie and stuff for cute little vegetable animals and what-not. Also, I really quite enjoyed the first one.

Here’s the trailer to sniff out!

‘The Conjuring’ Trailer

The flame is the ‘i’…how clever!

It’s nice to see Lily Taylor in something again, too bad she’s going to be killed by that clapping ghost-thing she “conjured” up in the closet. Oh when will people learn to not go around playing Hide ‘n’ Seek in old farmhouses? You know what’s going to happen, you’re going to conjure up a clapping ghost and that bitch is going to clap in your ears so loudly that you’ll be deaf! Or she’ll push you down the stairs.

This movie was reportedly given “overwhelmingly positive reviews by test audiences” so in an act you rarely see it was moved from the doldrums of movieland (January) and pushed back to July (prime summer season), which either way you look at it isn’t really the time of year for a horror movie, but whatever! It also apparently stars other people besides Lily Taylor, so she either dies in the beginning, which appears based on the music to take place in the 70′s, or they don’t know how to edit the movie into the trailer without giving it all away. Which they kind of already did in this trailer. Not gonna lie, though, I was kind of freaked out by this. I don’t like things in closets or clapping.

‘Upside Down’ Trailer

Looks like an interesting flick. Not sure how it works with planets that close together, it would seem like they’d be fighting gravity or something. I don’t know. Unless they are both in alternate universes, but it doesn’t seem that way from the trailer. It’s also a bit orange and blue, which as I normally bitch about, I am tired of. Do more color correcting other than making shit blue and orange.

Otherwise, it looks like it was shot very well and might be visually interesting and original, if nothing else.

‘Man of Steel’ AKA ‘Superman, the 4,000th Reboot!’ Trailer

Desaturated? CHECK!

Blue and Orange? CHECK!

Dramatic, Over-the-top, Lisa Gerrard-like music? CHICKITY-CHECK!

Lens Flare: CHHHHHEEEECK!

‘Splosions? You bet there’s a CHECK!

Can we please, for the love of Pete, stop using this same color-correction look? Is there NO way to make a movie look any other way? I get the pleasing nature of blue and orange as a contrasty thing, but it’s so over-used!

I guess the movie seems alright enough, if you dig seeing 4000 different versions of Superman over and over and over again, usually, like all the other super-hero things nowadays, within a 10 year or less time span. I do not, but whatever!

Here’s the trailer in all its blue and orange, orange and blue, recycled-story glory!

‘Pacific Rim’

“Alright, Guillermo. We like you, you’ve done solid, quality work with both movies in the past. What we need is a movie that has the following: blue and orange, ridiculously stupid robots (you can reference Real Steel, Transformers, Battleship…whatever dumb movie you want), Japan, aliens. Can you make this happen?” – Executive

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…remember Cronos, and Pan’s Labyrinth? Remember how they were good and made you respectable? Forget all that and become…Ratnerized!” – Other Executive.

And for some reason Guillermo, one of my favorite directors, let this movie be made with his name on it. Granted he also produced ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ and even Guy Pearce couldn’t make that movie watchable!

So, enjoy what is a strange mash of Japanese Godzilla-like movie, Transformers, Cloverfield, Real Steel and Battleship. Or don’t enjoy it after realizing what it mashes together.

Paul Thomas Anderson wants to make a funzie!

Oh goody gumdrops! Paul Thomas Anderson wants to make us laugh…intentionally. That ought to be a major fun-fest coming from Johnny Boresville who has delighted us with such fun movies as ‘Religious nut nurtures crazy drunk for 3 hours’ and ‘Wild nut yells about milkshakes’. Now he wants to make us sit through a 6 hour comedy where we want to die at the end; which is the opposite of what comedies should do.

Don’t get me wrong, somewhere in there the guy makes parts of a good film. The cinematography is always good and music choices are solid, but for the love of god, the movies are boring! And now he wants that excitement to come to us in the form of laughing because he made us laugh, not laughing because the movie won’t fucking end!

Check it out here!

http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2012/11/paul-thomas-anderson-would-like-to-make.php

‘The Last Stand’ trailer

Wow! This looks…awful. Is this a comedy? Or, now I see it’s a drama or Fast & the Furious-y movie? Or wait…back to comedy. What the hell? Make up your mind. Either way, basically some dude gets broken out of jail/transport bus by a giant magnet, because cops are stupid and they’d not notice a giant magnetic bulldozer thing hovering near where they are driving past. That’s seems plausible. Oh, and he’s heading for the border and someone has to help him and there are Koreans in a fancy fast car that will inevitably end up being a giant car ad for whatever car it is; a Corvette, or something? Dumb!

The best part is that Ahnahld is in it. I was being sarcastic, it looks horrible and the fact he’s stumbling through English once again in a movie doesn’t really make it a draw. Also, because it looks like shit. That also makes it not a draw.

Here’s the trailer where you can watch some idiots appear to be in a comedy, then a heist/breakout action/drama film, and Ahnahld jump into the comedy again. WHEEEE!

Here’s another stupid trailer where the movie starts out dramatic and shit!