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Well, it’s Halloween time again and you know what that means! Bad “horror” movies, specifically bad “fake documentary” horror movies a-la Paranormal Activity and all that other shit just like that series. This time we are treated to ‘The Houses October Built’, a droll turd of a horror film about a group of film-makers out to find the scariest haunted house.

I’m not sure how the plot flows in the real movie opposed to how it plays out in the trailer, probably equally awful. The trailer makes it look like they find some little girl wearing a mask who then comes on the bus and starts moan-screaming at them and THEN they get an invitation to a party out in the bayou. Then someone with the camera stumbles down an alley and gets attacked by more people in similar masks, which we see when, of course, the camera drops to the ground. At one point we are also treated to a bunch of bodies from the neck down in headlights, presumably more of these masked people that are, if not zombies, then mutated hill-folk because really, what other option is there for them? They are in the Louisiana bayou, therefore it must be mutated, not hill folk, but swamp folk.

I understand that there isn’t much thought put into these movies as the common idiot will spend their money on bad horror films no matter what is going on, but maybe the common idiot needs to stop spending their money on these movies so they stop making them. This is any different than The Hills Have Eyes or any other movie except it’s in Louisiana and people are wearing masks. They’ve mined all the bad horror movies and put various aspects yet combined into this…

What can you say about fall television besides there are some gems and many, many, MANY turds. Manhattan Love Story is one of those turds. I am currently watching this show and couldn’t help myself but write about how terrible it is.

The show opens with a man walking around the streets of Manhattan staring and mentally commenting on every woman’s chest and ass and whether he will do her or not. Classy, really, and not at all every stereotype of every man in every TV show ever. But wait, there’s a female walking stereotype in this mess of a show too. She is walking around commenting on every purse and show she sees, because every woman thinks only of shoes and purses. The show lost me right in this opening segment.

So Susie (I don’t care what her name is and I don’t even remember hearing it) is new to New York, she’s a wide-eyed dreamer who moved across the country to fulfill her dream of working in New York (which, is what every woman dreams of as well, apparently) and she gets a job at an advertising agency (?) or something where the previous higher-level employee just got fired. Naturally everyone hates her so one of the co-workers tells her to take the stairs to save energy. Hilarity doesn’t ensue. She is also a moron in regards to electronics. For example, while on the train she posts the guys name on FB and can’t figure out how to remove it. Later she tries to text the guy in reply to his text and instead calls him, because women can’t work electronics obviously!

What kills me is that the characters aren’t interesting at all and have no chemistry. I don’t care if they are going to get together, whether she is accepted at work, whether her bucket list (which she shows the guy on their date) is completed. I think it should just be cancelled. Thanks!

Yay! There is finally something to watch on TV this fall season. Sadly, it’s on FOX and it will probably be cancelled because it isn’t a crappy reality show, but I can enjoy it until that day comes. It has been a long time since FOX had a good sci-fi show on their network; I don’t count Fringe because I fell behind in the seasons and FOX gave up on it and put it on ‘Deathwatch Friday’.

To those of you who haven’t heard about ‘Almost Human’, let me tell you what this show is about. It’s ok if you’ve never heard about it because as FOX is FOX, they decided to push the premiere back several weeks, throw it on after football, which could have been disastrous for a show’s premiere as over-time bullshit tends to creep over into the 8 o’clock hour, it’s kind of what killed Futurama. The other reason is that it was on FOX. Anyway, I digress. What the hell is ‘Almost Human’ about?

Set 35 years from now in a future Los Angeles where human cops are paired with life-like android, Almost Human follows John Kennex, a human cop who is nearly fatally injured during a shootout where his android partner leaves him and a fellow human cop because he can better help others. Kennex is knocked out and when he awakens he is haunted by memories of his ex-girlfriend, which we see in a flashback and in a short video message that he has been saving for a long time, apparently she disappeared at some point. Kennex’s boss, played by Lily Taylor, finally cons him into coming back to work and he finds out that there was some kind of robbery that they need his help to solve. He gets paired with a certain android that is void of emotion and ends up pushing him out of the car, only to be paired with an android named Dorian. Dorian is a model of android that was dis-continued because it was had too much feeling. John learns something interesting during a procedure to try to remember the accident that leaves him realizing why someone special to him is no longer in his life, which sets up what I assume will be a series-long storyline.

I don’t want to tell all about what happens in the show because that’s no fun, but besides what I already mentioned I really appreciated that the android partner isn’t a sexy, beautiful, woman and is instead another man, albeit a good-looking one. I also appreciated that they didn’t, yet, blatantly throw automobile product placement down our throats. The vehicles are obviously Ford and Audi, among others, but their logos were covered and I appreciate that.

Being as I haven’t found one show this season that I’ve had to watch (close with Sleepy Hollow, which I am behind on) or wanted to watch, I would like to keep watching this. I love human-like robot series and movies, so this kind of hit the mark so far with me.

‘I, Frankenstein’

Oh good, it’s Underworld only with Frankensteins and gargoyles(?). Good to know the producers decided to branch out and take two other monster creatures and make them into ridiculous parodies. Will it spark a round of everything being gargoyles and Frankensteins? Will we soon have Gargoyle U? Frankenstein Academy? Patchwork Gigolo? He Who Burns the Monster? The orange and blue gods say, “GOOD LORD, I HOPE NOT!”

Also, Bill Nighy. Is he playing the same character as in Underworld? Because if he isn’t, someone should tell him he is generally awesome and sadly this is the same character as in Underworld.

All previous names for movie/TV show ideas are mine, Hollywood. I know they sound amazing and all, but MINE!

‘The Spectacular Now’

It’s refreshing to see a movie that isn’t stuffed full of giant, famous stars. Also, that girl is adorable.

“In a world where contrasting colors rule the planet. Where it started snowing and never stopped. Where Pandorum was ripped off and set in the Arctic wasteland that is the new Earth. Where the entire movie is shown in the trailer is brilliant blues, greens, reds and oranges…C-O-L-O-N-Y!”

If you note, this trailer says ‘This April’…we all know what that means. It never came out in April and was pushed back…you do the math.

‘The Num-8-ers Station’

Guns! Explosions! Num8ers!

Guns! Explosions! Num8ers!

I haven’t even watched the trailer yet, so let me guess what The Num-8-ers Station is all about based solely on the poster and the stupid name. John Cusack holds a gun up to his face. The gun appears to be held by tiny little dis-embodied hands as he peers around a corner with a look of annoyance at the explosion happening in the distance. Why are you so annoyed, tiny-handed Cusack? It’s clear that he means to shoot-to-kill that explosion! Malin Ã…kerman also stands by something, a tree maybe, with a look of boredom. Also, half her face has been too Photoshopped and she looks weird because of it. She clearly isn’t planning to shoot any explosions on account of her not having tiny hands holding her gun to her face. If you notice, there are also numbers, or num8ers, floating around the bottom left of the poster. What does this mean? Did the numbers cause the explosion? Are these the same entities that Cusack wants to shoot with his gun-laden tiny, dis-embodied hands? Is the tagline supposed to be all wobbly? Is that something that was done on purpose? Did the num8ers, or the explosion caused by the num8ers, cause the wobbly look of the lett8rs? Will we ever know why the num8ers caused the explosion that caused the code to be compromised? I suppose we’ll find out come April 26th when this marvel of cinematic artistry comes out in all it’s blue & orange glory!

Now I’ll actually watch the trailer and see how accurate I was about the num8ers causing explosions that tiny-handed Cusack must stop!

Yep, looks about as stupid as I thought. Although they did use not only the orange and blue but also the lesser used, but equally complimentary, color schemes of red and green! There’s no end to what the num8ers will go to get a list of men killed that will make the “world a different place when you wake up” if it goes out.

Damn num8ers!

I'M ALL TRIPPED OUT ON COLOR BARZZZZZ!

I’M ALL TRIPPED OUT ON COLOR BARZZZZZ!

This movie looks awesome, and I like that they don’t really tell you anything about it. But…I did read the synopsis, so apparently McAvoy plays a dude who helped steal some painting and then at some point gets hit on the head Chaz-style (Charles In Charge reference) and doesn’t remember who he is, yet he has to deal with the men who are looking for it, as they torture him. It looks trippy as hell and also pretty sweet.

The below trailer is kinda uckky in some places, so…just beware of that!

images

What do I say? I hate blue and orange and I dislike Tom Cruise in real life (sorry Tom, you’re kinda weird), but I do enjoy his movies. I actually think this looks really good, even if it turns out all I like is the cinematography, which might happen. I’m also a sucker for post-apocalyptic wastelands and whatever, so I’ll watch this, no doubt.

We basically all know the story that will play out in this movie: Aliens came and humans won, but they all evacuated and a man stays on Earth to clean it up while his lady-partner is in space. In time, they will finish their mission, leave and join the others in space or wherever they went until he meets other humans left on Earth who tell him the company he works for lied and it’s all a sham. Then he fights against them and his own demons and saves the planet. Also, Morgan Freeman is here.

Thank god they didn’t give it a cheesy sub-title after the 2. Like, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2: Spaghetti Bolognese, for example. Not surprisingly, this is the exact same movie as the last one, but now they are saving the world/big city. Whatever, I don’t care, did you check out that strawberry? Look at him!

BARF! I want to lick it!

BARF! I want to lick it!

So I will suffer the same movie and stuff for cute little vegetable animals and what-not. Also, I really quite enjoyed the first one.

Here’s the trailer to sniff out!

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